Someone you care about is struggling. You can feel it. Maybe they’ve told you, or maybe you’ve just noticed changes — they’re quieter, they’ve withdrawn, they’re not taking care of themselves the way they usually do. You want to help, but you’re not sure what to say or do without making it worse.
That uncertainty is probably why you’re reading this, and it’s the right instinct. Supporting someone in distress is a skill — understanding how the nervous system reacts to trauma and stress can help — and like any skill, it gets better with understanding and practice.
At Mind Health, our clinicians work with people in crisis every day, and just as often with the partners, parents, friends and colleagues holding space for them. The patterns repeat. This guide brings together what our team has learned about what helps, what doesn’t, and how to support someone without burning yourself out.
The Most Important Thing You Can Do: Just Show Up
Before we get to scripts and strategies, here’s the foundation: your willingness to be present matters more than saying the perfect thing.
One of the cruelest aspects of depression, anxiety, or trauma is isolation. The person struggling often believes they’re alone in it, that no one would understand, or that talking about it will burden others. So they withdraw further.
When you show up — when you reach out without expectation, when you sit with someone in their pain without trying to fix it — you’re doing something profound. You’re saying, “You’re not alone in this. Your struggle matters to me.”
That alone can be life-changing.
What to Say: The Scripts That Actually Work
This is where most people get stuck. They want to help but don’t know what words to use, so they either say nothing (leaving the person isolated) or they say something well-intentioned but unhelpful.
Here are scripts our clinicians often suggest. Adapt the wording to sound like you.
“I’ve noticed things have been hard for you lately. I care about you. How are you actually doing?”
This works because it: acknowledges what you’ve observed without judgment, expresses care, and creates space for honesty. It’s not dismissive (“I’m sure you’re fine”) and it’s not presumptuous (“I know exactly what you’re going through”).
“I don’t know exactly what you’re experiencing, but I’m here. What do you need right now?”
This is humble. It doesn’t pretend to understand what you can’t fully understand, but it offers support. Crucially, it asks what they need rather than assuming.
Sometimes they need someone to listen. Sometimes they need practical help — a meal, someone to drive them to an appointment. Sometimes they just need to know someone cares. Ask.
“I’m worried about you. Would you be willing to talk to a professional about this?”
This opens the door to professional help without it sounding like rejection or criticism. You’re not saying, “You’re broken, go get fixed.” You’re saying, “I care about you, and I think professional support could help.”
“I’m here for you, but I want to make sure you get the right support. Have you considered talking to a psychologist?”
Similar to above, but slightly different framing. You’re acknowledging that while your support matters, professional support is also important. Most people struggling with significant mental health issues benefit from both.
“You’re not a burden. Caring about you doesn’t cost me anything.”
Many people believe that asking for help or letting others know they’re struggling will push people away. This directly counters that belief. It gives them permission to be vulnerable.
What NOT to Say (And Why)
These well-intentioned phrases often backfire:
“You just need to think positive” or “Look on the bright side.” This invalidates their experience. Depression isn’t a thinking problem — it’s a neurobiological condition. Telling someone to think positive when they’re depressed is like telling someone with a broken leg to walk on it.
“Other people have it worse.” Suffering isn’t a competition. Their pain is real and valid regardless of whether someone else is experiencing worse. This actually increases shame and isolation.
“I know exactly how you feel.” Unless you’ve experienced what they’re experiencing, you don’t — and even then, every person’s experience is unique. This can feel dismissive or like you’re centring your own story instead of listening to theirs.
“You should just get over it” or “Time heals all wounds.” Both minimise the reality that recovery takes active work, and time alone is rarely enough without the right support. You’re also implying that they could fix this if they just tried harder — which adds shame.
“That’s not as bad as you think.” You’re not the arbiter of how bad something is. Their perception is their reality. Dismissing the severity of what they’re experiencing doesn’t help them minimise it — it makes them feel invalidated and more alone.
“Everything happens for a reason” or “This is a blessing in disguise.” Perhaps. But not right now. When someone is in crisis, philosophical reframing feels like you’re asking them to see a silver lining before they’ve processed the loss. It’s premature and often feels callous.
The Difference Between Fixing and Supporting
There’s a distinction our team comes back to with clients again and again: there is a fundamental difference between trying to fix someone and supporting them.
Fixing says, “Your problem is my responsibility. I need to make this go away.” This puts pressure on both of you. You feel helpless when you can’t fix it (which you often can’t), and they feel like a burden for having unsolvable problems.
Supporting says, “Your struggle is real. I’m here with you. I might not be able to fix this, but I can walk alongside you.”
Supporting might look like:
- Listening without trying to solve
- Validating their experience (“That sounds really hard”)
- Offering practical help (meals, rides, company)
- Gently encouraging professional help when appropriate
- Checking in regularly without expecting them to “be better” yet
- Respecting their timeline, even if it feels slow
Support is sustainable. Fixing burns you out because it’s impossible.
Recognising Warning Signs
Sometimes supporting someone means recognising when their situation is more serious and requires escalation.
Watch for:
- Talking about wanting to hurt themselves or not wanting to be alive
- Giving away possessions
- Saying goodbye in unusual ways
- Dramatic changes in behaviour or appearance
- Extreme isolation or withdrawal
- Substance use as a coping mechanism
- Inability to do basic self-care (hygiene, eating)
If you notice these, professional assessment is necessary. This isn’t something you can support alone. You may need to be direct: “I’m worried about you. I think you need to talk to a professional. Let me help you find someone.”
If there’s imminent risk of self-harm, call 000 for emergency services or Lifeline on 13 11 14 (24/7). For First Nations callers, 13YARN on 13 92 76 offers a culturally safe crisis line.
Self-Care for Supporters
Here’s the part too often skipped: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Supporting someone struggling with mental health can be emotionally taxing. You may absorb some of their pain. You may feel responsible for their wellbeing in ways that aren’t realistic.
You need boundaries and self-care.
Boundaries might look like:
- “I care about you, but I can’t be your therapist. Have you considered professional support?”
- Setting limits on availability: “I’m here to talk most evenings, but I need my weekends for myself.”
- Not taking their struggle personally: if they withdraw, that’s about their mental health, not your worth as a friend.
Self-care for supporters includes:
- Maintaining your own therapy or talking to people you trust about the weight you’re carrying
- Exercise, sleep, and activities that replenish you
- Remembering that you didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it alone
- Getting professional support if supporting someone is destabilising your own mental health — stress management matters for carers too
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. You’re no good to anyone else if you’re completely depleted.
R U OK? Day and Beyond
R U OK? Day (held each September) is a national reminder to check in with the people we care about. The principle matters year-round.
The question “Are you okay?” is simple, but it opens the door. If the answer is “not really,” you’ve created space for honesty. From there, you can listen, ask what they need, and support them in finding professional help if necessary.
Regular check-ins matter. A message that says, “Thinking of you, how are you really going?” can reach someone on a day they’re struggling. It doesn’t need to be elaborate. It just needs to be sincere.
What to Do if You Don’t Know What to Say
Just say that. “I’m not sure what to say, but I care about you and I’m here. What would help?”
Vulnerability on your part often opens vulnerability in them. Admitting you don’t have perfect words is more truthful and often more helpful than pretending you do.
Supporting Someone Toward Professional Help
If you’ve noticed someone struggling and you’re concerned it’s beyond what informal support can address, suggesting professional help requires gentleness.
Not: “You should really see a therapist” (sounds like diagnosis and prescription)
But: “I’ve noticed this is affecting you quite a bit. A psychologist might give you tools to manage it. Would you be open to exploring that?”
You can also offer practical help: “I’ll help you find someone if you’d like” or “Would you want me to come with you to the first appointment?” Knowing what to expect at a first psychology appointment often takes the edge off, and so does understanding how Medicare Mental Health Care Plans work for affordable access.
You can point them to our free Mind Health Check as a low-pressure starting point — it’s less confronting than “you need therapy” and gives them concrete data about where they’re at.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I say to someone who is struggling with their mental health?
Start with simple, non-judgmental statements like “I’ve noticed you seem different lately, and I care about you.” Avoid minimising phrases like “just think positive.” Listen more than you talk, and let them know you’re there without pressuring them to open up. Professional support can help if they’re ready.
How do I know if someone needs professional help?
Warning signs include persistent changes in mood or behaviour lasting more than two weeks, withdrawal from activities they used to enjoy, changes in sleep or appetite, expressing hopelessness, or difficulty functioning at work or in relationships. If you’re unsure, our free Mind Health Check can help assess where things are at.
What if they refuse to get help?
You cannot force someone to seek help, and trying to do so often backfires. Continue being present, gently share your concerns, and let them know support is available when they’re ready. Sometimes planting the seed is enough — many people seek help weeks or months after someone first suggested it.
How do I look after myself while supporting someone who is struggling?
Supporting others can be emotionally draining. Set healthy boundaries, maintain your own routines, and consider speaking with a psychologist yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and looking after your own stress and recovery matters as much as the support you offer.
The Bottom Line
Supporting someone who’s struggling is one of the most human things you can do. You won’t be perfect at it. You’ll sometimes say the wrong thing. But showing up, listening without judgment, and caring — that’s the real work.
If the person you’re supporting is you — if you’re reading this because you’re the one struggling — the same applies. Reach out. Let people know. Consider professional support. It’s not weakness, and you’re not alone.
If you’re ready to seek support, book an appointment with one of our psychologists. If you’d like a sense of where you’re at first, take the free Mind Health Check. If you’re in crisis right now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 000 for emergency services.
You matter. And so do the people around you who are struggling.
Bulent Ada is a principal psychologist and director of Mind Health in Parramatta, Sydney. He specialises in depression, anxiety, trauma, and supporting both individuals and those who care for them, with over 20 years of clinical experience.
Further Reading
- Understanding Depression: A Clinical Guide
- Anxiety: Symptoms, Causes and Treatment
- Trauma: How It Affects Mind and Body
- What Actually Happens in a Psychology Session
- 10 Tips for Your First Psychology Appointment
- How to Get a Mental Health Care Plan in Australia
- The Anxiety Toolkit: 7 Evidence-Based Strategies
- World Mental Health Day: Fostering Meaningful Connections
- Free Mind Health Check
Crisis & External Support
- Lifeline Australia — 24/7 crisis support: 13 11 14
- 13YARN — First Nations crisis line: 13 92 76 (24/7)
- Suicide Call Back Service — 1300 659 467 (24/7)
- MensLine Australia — 1300 78 99 78 (24/7)
- Kids Helpline — 1800 55 1800 (5–25 year-olds, 24/7)
- Beyond Blue — 1300 22 4636 (24/7)
- Black Dog Institute — Research-led mental health resources
- R U OK? — Conversation guides and resources for supporters